According to studies by sociologists and family counselors, each family goes through several stages of development, and the transition from one to another, as a rule, is accompanied by a crisis. In our fast-paced and pragmatic society, we are accustomed to sorting out even the most seemingly individual things — such as feelings, and therefore even relations crises are now accepted to be classified and almost marked in the planner. So, the most “popular” is a 3-year itch, and a 7-year itch, or more abstractly, between 3 and 7 years. It is believed that this crisis lasts an average of about a year and is a true test of relationships. When the maximum sexual impressions from each other have already been received, romantic memories of the wedding and honeymoon are quite far away, and financial and domestic issues feel like they’re snowballing – this period is crucial for your future. It can be said that during this period it largely determines whether you can continue to be together or not. A representative of a divorce-related company said: “You know, a large percentage of divorces occur in this crisis”. However, no matter how much we may wish, far not any quarrel and problem can be explained with the term “whatever-year itch”. So how to distinguish – what is the challenge, test, and what is a clear sign of fate – “Run away!”? How not to be a drama queen, not to miss your happiness, your love, and precious experience? Imagine the situation…
You begin to swear often, and more and more often, when you look at your man, it seems that it was very stupid of you to be caught like that. Well, what attracts in such cases? Voice? Does he also like California or, say, France? Did you both go crazy with Marilyn Manson in childhood? Or it turned out that he kisses better than your exes? Or does he have an amazing smile? It later turned out that he is an excellent programmer, and, perhaps, he is making a career as a bank fella, or wrote columns on a popular website, or had an extensive dental practice.
There are some flaws, yes, but who does not have them? – did you think so recently? Until suddenly, all these shortcomings did not begin to strike your eyes – with such force as if you had a magnifying glass inserted instead of pupils…
Better Versions Of Us vs Real Us
How you have not paid attention before, that he is… greedy. Plump. Ugly eats (drinks, cleans teeth, sleeps). That his dad has a nasty smile, and he looks like a father. That he did not read Faulkner, after all. Or, say, Foucault? You have already probably seen him under not the most pleasant and prosperous circumstances And you already thought to yourself: “Good guy, but not a prince!”, Right?
And here is a story: the feelings that you feel towards your young man are almost certainly felt by him. In relation to you. Such is the law of communication. He is also a little bored, a little bit dreary, and even those habits of yours that have recently seemed nice are also anger him. He probably repeats in his head the same thoughts and doubts that you do.
In a word, the demons of disappointment are circling over your heads like crows, and you are about to become their prey.
How to understand: is this really the end of your love story or a crisis leading to positive changes?
One-hundred-percent-indicators that it’s time to run away are actually a little:
Your man began to raise his hand against you. Or every day insults you with horrible words. Or regularly blames you all his failures. If he acts like a rapist – no matter, in a physical or psychological sense, then perhaps this is the only solid basis for ending the relationship.
It’s hard to wait for a change for the better if your partner is an alcoholic or has the other addiction.
Almost everything else is a matter of worldview, self-perception, personality traits, and taste, finally.
There are people who can forgive treason, but there are those who cannot. This can only be clarified in practice, it is almost impossible to predict in advance what kind of person are you and what is he (though we may think we know ourselves thoroughly.)
There are those for whom common interests are important, and there are those for whom a common bed and household are sufficient.
With all the external similarities of plot twists, the relationship of each pair is unique. The uniqueness of the outside can look like eccentricity, an oddity. But if this oddity allows the couple to be together and gives each of the two the opportunity to feel happier and fill each other emotionally rather than feel unhappy and empty, then all this nonsense ceases to be such and becomes their unique experience.
True Love Checking
The test of intimacy is the test of one another’s weakness and imperfection. Every time when another layer of plaster – with which we have covered the partner to “better fall in love” and to make him look more like what we imagined – flies off from him, we feel like running away. Because it is very alarming to find under this layer a lively, non-perfect person who behaves in a completely different way than we wished. For many, the thought is unbearable that at this moment they themselves lose their own “embellished image”. We see our partner in weakness, but he also sees us in the same way. Just at these moments, the demons of disappointment persistently draw our attention to what we do not coincide in, disastrously disagree, hopelessly far from each other.
When mutual horror of discovering each other happens at the same time, the partners experience what is called a crisis. There are people who generally cannot go beyond the level described in this game. The fear is so intense that they break down, and they are again told: “game over”. For an outside, such men or women may seem cool and popular – they change partners, they are in good shape all the time because they are in search. But, if you look closer, there is nothing sadder than life, when you repeatedly pass through the same vicious circle and never reach the real depth of relationships.
Go Ahead Or Stay, You Decide
And here is a very short practical part, only one piece of advice that helps to somehow get further if you both want it.
Do not be silent! Experiencing sadness or anger – say it to the very person who causes these feelings. Talk about it with him. Speak about yourself and from yourself. If you can not do it calmly and properly – speak somehow. Just try not to offend, not to blame. It is difficult to talk, it seems unnecessary and hopeless sometimes. But still, we, the people, have no other means of reaching each other, except for words.
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