I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone the other night, and somehow we got on the topic of what it means to be a girl that is “high maintenance.” I’m the first to admit that I don’t particularly like that phrase when it describes a human being. I mean, normally my dog, my garden (if I had one) or my beige suede boots might be considered high maintenance, but not a person.
However, since I’m going to call it like I see it, yes, some girls are high maintenance. The interesting thing to me is that I don’t consider myself high maintenance at all. However, I do get my manicures/pedicures regularly, I do get my hair colored, and I do wear nice clothes. I think the difference is, I pay for these things myself. I don’t expect anyone else to buy them for me. So, I would like to point out that even though this post is written with huge generalities, there are exceptions to every rule, as always. And, for all of you that were about to call me out, I just want you to know that I prefer beer over wine, which is proof I’m not high maintenance.
If you are a guy who doesn’t know what high maintenance means (yes, those innocent souls do exist), I’m here to educate you. This is a top 12 list that my friend and I put together of ways you can tell that your girl might be high maintenance. I’ve probably left some critical tell tale signs off this list. If you can think of any I missed, please leave them in a comment below.
12. She squints her nose in disgust if your car is not sparkling clean, inside and out.
She makes you brush that old french fry off the seat, and pick up the papers off the floorboard before she will get in your car. If your car isn’t an expensive sports car (preferably a convertible), she will wear big dark sunglasses so nobody recognizes her riding in it.
11. She has a tiny foo-foo dog that she carries in her Louis Vuitton bag.
High maintenance girls and tiny, well-groomed foo-foo yip-yap dogs go hand in hand. Their dogs usually become accessories, and they often have little polka-dot bows in their fur, rhinestones on their collar and their doggie toenails polished.
10. She criticizes your clothes and style as if you aren’t good enough to be seen with.
She might even think she is doing you a favor when she throws away your favorite t-shirt you’ve had since the 80s. What the high maintenance girl doesn’t realize, or doesn’t care about, is that by treating her guy like this, she is going to give him a complex. Then, when he finally dumps her and starts dating someone normal, he is going to take that insecurity with him into his next relationship. It’s just not cool. Let him dress the way he wants for God’s sake.
9. A one-night trip requires several large pieces of monogrammed luggage.
Note to high maintenance girls: It is not necessary to take 8 pairs of shoes, 4 bottles of moisturizer, 5 handbags and every lipstick color you own on an over-night trip. Who’s gonna carry all that crap anyway? He’s your boyfriend, not your butler. C’mon, gimme a break.
8. She would rather jump out of a moving car than go camping or spend time in nature.
To a high maintenance girl, staying in a hotel without room service is “roughing it.” She can’t even fathom what it would be like to go on a picnic or fly a kite. Besides, she might break a nail doing those things. What’s even more annoying is that if a high maintenance girl decides to throw you a bone and go on a picnic, she is so preoccupied by watching for mosquitoes and bugs that she can’t even have a good time.
7. She gives her hairdresser and plastic surgeon nicer birthday gifts than she gives you.
After all, she sees them as much as she sees you. She’s been making payments on that liposuction for two years, and she’s excited to get more. High maintenance girls hate exercise because they don’t like to sweat, so plastic surgery is the only way to maintain their rockin bodies. And, don’t even get me started on the hair upkeep. Let me just say this, if your girl is a high maintenance girl, then trust me, her hairdresser and plastic surgeon both know every detail about your sex life. You can go into denial if you want, but it’s a fact.
6. She takes two fricken hours to get ready to go to the store.
OH. MY. GOD. This has got to be one of the most annoying traits of the high maintenance girl. You will say, “Honey, let’s run up to the store and pick up some snacks.” Meanwhile, two hours later, she is still putting on make-up and curling her hair. Are you f’ing kidding me? I have friends that do this. It makes me wanna bonk ‘em on the head.
5. She’s clingy and your friends think she’s bitchy, but she looks like a perfect princess.
See, that’s the big advantage to dating a high maintenance girl. She always looks good. As a matter of fact, her looking so good makes you look even better (especially to other girls). But, she won’t make any effort to be friendly to your friends, and she won’t leave your side for a minute. God forbid you leave her sitting on the couch while you go to the bathroom. That would be torture for her, and she’ll let you know it.
4. She decorates your house with stuffed animals.
She even talks to the little teddy bear in a baby voice as she perfectly positions him in front of your computer. High maintenance girls enjoy acting like babies; it’s how they get you to do all the chores around the house. There is no way they will do things like take out the trash, pump gas or wash dishes. Looking all cute running around the house with stuffed animals is a good way to get out of doing that stuff.
3. Her needs always come first, and she depends on you to make her happy.
Usually, that requires spending a lot of money on stupid stuff. She never looks at the price tags when she has your credit card in her wallet. The funny thing is, even after all that, she never really seems happy. This spills over into things that don’t cost money too. For example, she pouts when you want to have a couple friends over to watch the game, and she also pouts when you won’t watch back-to-back episodes of Glee. She doesn’t understand the word “compromise.”
2. She won’t drink tap water, ever, even if it’s filtered.
She normally only drinks Fuji Water. She’ll drink Vitamin Water, if she has to, in a pinch. Oh, and her dog won’t drink tap water either. I read a funny post on Experience Project from 2006 about this. The author wrote, “This not only demonstrates high levels of maintenance, it shows that she’s basically an irrational idiot too.” Omg… Lol Of course, there are some exceptions to the rule. I hear some people can’t drink tap water because they have IBS and other illnesses.
1. If you put an end to her spending your money, she’ll dump you.
And, after that, she’ll immediately find someone new (with a credit card with no limit). The bottom line is, some men really dig this kind of girl. But, if you are gonna keep her; you are going to have to pay to play. There is nothing wrong with wanting a trophy girl on your arm if that is going to make you happy. However, in my own humble opinion, I think a geeky girl with a spunky personality beats this other crap hands down. But then again, I’m a girl, what do I know. #justsayin
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