Spoilers below! Watch the first episode of The Walking Dead season three first. Or, upon completion of this article, reset your brain via sticking a surgical tool up your nostril until you forget why in holy heck there is a surgical tool up your nostril.
I highly recommend the first option.
The Walking Dead is back from the dead after a lackluster second season. For a show based on zombies, there was an underwhelming amount of zombies. But judging by the season three premiere last Sunday, sh*t’s about to get real.
Since we left off last season, the gang survived the winter. And I was totally crushed we missed what antics and mishaps occurred. I really wanted to see zombies on ice. Our lovable zombie resistance is a group of panicked nomads looking for food and somewhere to rest for Lori’s unborn baby. After an entire winter of searching, they finally find the prison that was a stone’s throw away at the end of season two.
What Else Happened?
They secured a prison field, cell block and ammo: After outsmarting thoughtless zombies, the gang finds refuge in a prison with a charming blood ‘n guts style motif.
Everyone is hooking up with everyone: Carol is making awkward horny cougar advances at Daryl, Andrea is seemingly dating Michonne the dominatrix and Beth somehow got younger to create a sexual tension between her and Carl.
Increased skill sets: The gang has certainly upped their killing capabilities. Even Carol and Carl are taking names out there.
Lori is more preggers: Lori looks to spawn a child at any moment, and there is concern that if the baby is stillborn, it will become a zombie baby and convert Lori from the inside. This possibility would certainly make for a killer Kangaroo-like/ Kuato from Total Recall zombie combo.
Hershel is the most interesting man in the world: His new hair and beard combo is legendary.
Riot gear zombies: They’re like ranked up zombies, but they are pretty much harmless since they are unable to bite anyone through all their gear.
Hershel got bit: What the f*ck was that zombie doing sleeping there when there was all that commotion and chaos? He is either the laziest or the most cunning fake sleeping zombie to date.
Rick cut off Hershel’s leg: I’m really hoping he lives and they give him a wizard staff to help with walking. If he continues to grow out his white beard they can call him Hershel the White.
The gang makes contact with other humans: “Holy sh*t” is right, ‘Prisoner 2’.
Problems resolved from last season:
Not enough zombies: It was explained that they didn’t want viewers to become comfortable with zombies. So the zombies were laid off and the show relied on character development and petty household drama. Well, let me assure you- this episode was zombie-tastic!
Who is the f*ck is T-Dog: Although T-Dog has been a main character since the very beginning, he became an extra in season two. I think he said like one or two things in this episode, so he’s already matched the entirety of his last season’s dialogue.
Rick isn’t bad*ss enough: Critics critically criticized his bad*ssery, but now there is no denying it. He’s taken control and he don’t take shit from no one- not even his manipulative baby momma.
Lori is a mega-b*tch: Lori has become self-aware of her b*tchiness, and it’s very satisfying as a viewer to be like “nah girl, you f*cked up and now Rick is going to give you the cold shoulder”.
The gang is falling apart: Everyone seems to be getting along famously and really working as a team now. Any resentment that was directed at Rick’s leadership capabilities has been abolished over the course of the winter.
Overall, great first episode! Siskel and Ebert give it one thumb and one zombie thumb up! Lots of heart-pounding zombie action and Maggie still looks hot as ever. I’m looking forward to meeting this Governor dude and seeing what that pesky ol’ Merle is up to. Also, I’m stoked to watch Michonne go all ‘Kill Bill’ on some more zombies.